went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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