so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I would fuck him just for his dog
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
