I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
