i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
