Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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