It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
