as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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