life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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