If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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