best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
