I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
