You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
