my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
