I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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