Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
