What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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