I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
