The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
