my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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