Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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