i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
