i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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