Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
