he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
