1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
