Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
