I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
