So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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