I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
