yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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