So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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