Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize