The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
