True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
