You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
