1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Jerry, you need to find god
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
