Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
