i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
