I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
