my mouth tastes like poor choices
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Randomize
