Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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