Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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