I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
