I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
