someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
