He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
