it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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