Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
