I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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