I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
