im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
