hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
